Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Are we still banned from the library?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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