Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
