Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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