Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
