we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
we should paint friendship bongs
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
