I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
