im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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