Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
