I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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