my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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