maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
