Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
