Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
