just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
