It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
