I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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