So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
