Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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