I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
