Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
