I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
