We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
