the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
you inspire me to be a worse person
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize