Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
