my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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