So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
