This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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