Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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