I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
