some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
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