Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
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