I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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