My Higher Power is John Stamos
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
