You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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