My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
