Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
