Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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