dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
