She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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