Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
