Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
