God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
