Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
