there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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