I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
