I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
