The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
