Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
