Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
