tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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