My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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