the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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