textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
