I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
