it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
