I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
