What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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